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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 31, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PDT

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snop poor planning leading to major destruction followed by lying and cover-ups? it's hard to believe that this man ever had anything to do with halliburton. well, strap in, everyone. we're probably looking at a long court battle if halliburton tries to snake their way out of this. >> halliburton energy services has agreed to plead guilty to destruction of evidence. the justice department says the company has agreed to pay the maximum available fine. >> john: wow, the maximum available fine. what is that? a bajillion dollars plus infinity hours of community service, writing a handwritten apology note to every living creature affected by the spill? judge johnny approves of this. but just out of curiosity, what actually is the maximum fine? >> the maximum statutory fine in this case, that is $200,000. >> john: $200,000? so you can ruin the gulf coast and destroy the evidence all for
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the price of four toyota avalons and half a semester at n.y.u.? actually, you know what? you know what? hold on. maybe this is good news. let me just do the math here. 200 million gal ons spilled. that comes out of one tenth of a cent per gallon so we did it. we brought down oil prices. here is the amazing thing. that punishment was so light, even halliburton was uncomfortable with it. >> halliburton made a voluntary contribution of $55 million to the national fish and wildlife foundation that was not conditioned on the court's acceptance of its plea agreement. >> john: money that presumably went toward all those fish widows finally giving their husbands the funerals they deserve. that's right. fish conduct funerals like flushing their loved ones down a solid gold toilet. they're only going to forget them seven seconds later.
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but halliburton escapes justice once again. hopefully at least they'll pay the price in the stock market. >> with this deal, carol, the justice department is agreeing to not pursue any more criminal charges against halliburton. on this news, halliburton shares are up 2% in free market trading. >> john: the shares went up? okay. i'm ready to rule on this. in the case of halliburton versus any sense of humanity, i find that halliburton can go eat a bag of this. order. order in the court. order in the court. jason, who is our next defendant? >> judge johnny, our next defendant is the only cyclist anyone hassor heard of. having won the tour de france in unprecedented seven times after taking an unprecedent amount of steroids. he's perhaps best known for having one tomato under his carrot. he is, of course, noted [bleep]
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lance armstrong. good luck riding away from the justice that judge johnny is peddling. >> john: thank you, jason. lance armstrong is being sued by the d.o.j. for $120 million for cheating when he was sponsored by the u.s. postal service. that's a tough charge. what's armstrong's defense? >> lance armstrong now says the postal service should have known he was doping. >> he's saying, "i lied. you should have known that i lied." >> john: wow. that's his defense? this guy has got a lot of ball. [ cheers and applause ] he's pleading so guilty it's your fault for not knowing how guilty he is. is he arguing any mitigating circumstances? >> i know it was an unfortunate period in our sport. unfortunately for me, i came, you know, right smack dab in the middle of that period.
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>> john: you know what? he's right. that is the real tragedy here. i think we all owe lance armstrong an apology for making him win seven tour de frances earning millions of dollars in the process during such an unfortunate period in the sport he chose to participate in. all right. on the basis of this world record narcissism i find the defendant a giant douche. jason. [ cheers and applause ] jason, please call our final defendant. >> sure will, judge johnny. the court calls joseph r. biden,, jr., the delaware destroyer, he's got a lion's heart, a sailor's mouth and some other dude's hair. he loves trains but he just got on an express to justice town where the mayor is judge johnny. looks like vice president biden's about to eat a justice salad. >> okay. thanks very much, jason. let's hear the charges.
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>> in washington state accused of illegally discharging his shotgun he's using a new legal technique henceforth known as the biden defense. >> john: the biden defense? that's actually a chess move where if you're losing you just eat your opponent's queen. how has a guy who fired a shotgun got anything to do with the vice president? >> he claims he was trying to scare off would-be car prowlers but deputies say he went above the law. >> i did what joe biden told me to do. i went outside and fired my shotgun in the air. >> john: come on. he did not tell you to do that. there is no way that biden literally told you you should go and get a shotgun and fire two blasts outside your house. >> if you want to protect yourself, get a double-barrel shotgun. if there's ever a problem just walk out on the balcony here, walk out, put that double-barrel shotgun and fire two blasts outside the house.
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snob a little advice for trick or treatersality joe biden's house, if he's not offering you a treat, run. look, this man didn't actually shoot anyone so what is the problem. >> prosecutors and sheriff deputies say the way the law is written doesn't afford people the right to just fire off their guns. there must be a self-defense component. >> john: there must be a self-defense component. for example, say the person had been wearing a hoodie, then you would be fine. this is a tough case. on one hand people probably shouldn't just fire shotgun blasts into the air. on the other hand, the vice president literally told me to. that's a pretty solid defense. you know what? i am going to rule on this. if there's one legal precedent set by this case, it should be for god's sake ignore joe biden. we'll be right back. ers heers ?ç?çwóóooo?o?ówçwçé?zo tr%ñ4 4 #pàp4f8
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[ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome back. as you know, in march pope francis replaced pope benedict xvi. while just a look at their two faces might have prepared us for a change in tone. no one could have predictedded how stark that change would be. >> what we have going on here is the emergence of the kind of people's pope. >> animated, relaxed and funny. reaching out, hugging and kissing. >> from paying his own hotel bill the day after he was elected to his love of the crowd, surprise is a hallmark of pope francis. >> john: surprise is a hallmark. this pope is a total prankster. like his infamous "i got your soul right here." all time he put tabs of acid on everyone's communion waivers. they were seeing god after that. and the devil. and dragons. yesterday he surprised everyone yet again. >> an historic comment by pope francis on the subject of homosexuality. >> the pope said if a person is
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gay and seeks the lord and has good will, who am i to judge that person? >> well, well. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: who am i to judge that person? you are the pope. judging people is basically what you do. your entire job description is one one, wear a funny hat and, two, judge everybody else. look, as you would expect a statement like that did not go unnoticed. >> stunning remarks about homosexuality in the priesthood. >> a change in attitudes towards gay freehs. >> the pope's words rippled around the world. >> historic ground-breaking statements. >> an extraordinary news conference. >> john: this is the best news for gay catholics since they made amuseical about a singing nun. now, by all accounts, this news has rocked the holy see in rome. for more we go live to senior vatican correspondent aasif mandvi. are you there?
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>> yo-hoo! yes, johnny! >> john: it looks like... whoa, whoa, whoa. easy there, brother dominic. ha-ha. >> john: the remarks have been well received there. >> john, the resurrection was well received. this is an entire city orgasming at once. okay. to put it mildly, there are a lot of gay clergy here who have been waiting a long time to come out of the ridiculously ornate closet. if you will excuse me, i am off to join the cardinals in the hot tub. yeah! >> john: the vatican has a hot tub? >> yeah! i think, john, it has a big thing full of water in it. it's a big stone thing. coming, boys. >> john: that's a baptismal font. okay. according to all the coverage, this was a massive deal for the church. new york's cardinal dole and
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heard it a little differently. >> this is no way could this be interpreted as a change in church doctrine. while certain acts may be wrong, we would always love and respect the person. and treat the person with dignity. homosexuality is not a sin, right? homosexual acts are. >> john: okay. so you can have gay desires. you just can't take gay action. which i guess means that you can listen to y.m.c.a. but you may not under any circumstances do the hand gestures. and by the way, that doesn't mean that gays have to be celibate. there is a loophole. >> the church's teaching, which is based on the bible and god's revelation, is that sexual love is reserved only between a man and woman. >> john: exactly. gay men can have sex as long as it's with lesbian women. within the confines of a loveless marriage. just as god nearly intended.
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but that's not to say that the pope's remarks dip at least mark some sort of change. >> it is though a change in tone. it's an invitation from the holy father that we can never be harsh and judgmental. >> john: so the policy is the same but the tone has changed. sort of like if southern water found fountains in the 1950s changed their signs from this to this. actually, hold on. it's just the tone is nicer. but is it just the tone that has changed? i have to warn someone. aasif. aasif. listen, aasif. it was just a change in tone. >> yes, i'm still in rome. john: , no, no, no. aasif, the church hasn't really changed its position on homosexuality. those were false reports. >> you're right. you should cut these pants into shorts. >> john: that's not just what i said. aasif, church doctrine still for
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bids homosexual acts. there was no change. >> holy [bleep]. what? okay. cut the bubbles. yes, cut the smoke. everybody, get your robes back on, yes. fire up the plain song now. yes. john, i have to run. there is a stampede already for the confession booth. ava maria. >> john: aasif mandvi,ryone.ver.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome back. my guest tonight serves as cohost and mentor on lifetime's project runway. >> you're not going to be up there alone. you're going to be up there together. you're a team. the judges aren't going to single you out and say, "sandra, you did x, y and z." sue and i did this together. you're both responsible. go back to work. hi, kate. hi, helen. >> right now we're creating a really structured booedice which will function like this. there will be a high sculpted soldier. >> this captures your eye. you do you really need the eye to go up here too. >> john: he's the best. please we welcome back to the sw tim gunn. [ cheers and applause ]
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mr. gunn. >> i'm thrilled to be here with you. >> john: i am thrilled to be here with you. i love project runway. >> i love your work on the daily show. so we're even. >> john: there's no other work. so i'm done on that. i watch news all the time, sport all the time and project runway. in the convenient diagram of those three things i think it's just me in the middle. >> i think you may be correct. john: at first as a gay man, congratulations on the catholic church's change of tone. you must be almost pleased by that news. >> i have to tell you at least watching your piece on this explaind the entire thing to me because i was completely mystified by it. >> john: the tone has changed. some hateful message but much friendlier tone of voice. >> that's to seduce you in a little closer and then give you a big bitch slap.
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>> john: over the years the catholic church has been good with the bitch slap. >> it's the best. john: just ask the spanish. i was reading that you recently endorsed christine quinn here for mayor in new york. >> yes. john: are you absolutely sure you don't want to give anthony weiner a fifth chance? are you sure, tim? >> i think anthony weiner's name is a metaphor for how he is and will behave as a mayor if we're foolish enough to elect him. it's a little frightening. >> john: it will be amazing but i don't think new yorkers are going to do that. i can't believe if my heart of hearts. >> i'm going to be going around on september 10 which is the day of the primary making certain that they're well informed about their decision-making. >> john: project runway is back for your 134th season. >> i hope it doesn't feel like that. >> john: this time you have the ability to overrule a judge's decision. >> i do.
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john: you are god. thank you. i have to tell you though what happened was that in season 11, i intervened with the judging process near the very end of the season because an incredible designer was being eliminated. i went storming down to the judge's circle. i said, "you cannot do this. this is a gifted individual and she must remain here." i ended up saving her. we had no one eliminated that challenge. she won the entire season. >> john: exactly. because you were right. >> i hope so. thank you. >> john: you were objectively right. ( applause ) one of the things... i shouted at my own tv. whenever you do consultation with one of them and they say i'm not going to listen to tim. i physically shut outloud, how can you ignore tim? listen to him. >> john, i'm not always right. i'm not. i give the designers the benefit of my experience and my knowledge and i say to them you
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have to own responsibility for your own decision-making because you're the one on the runway in front of the judges. i'm not. the last thing i want you to say is, god dam it i listened to tim gunn. i want to make certain that they look at their work critically and objectively with me and have enough distance to make some viable, hopefully, excellent decisions on their own behalf >> john: that's what i love about the show because so much tv is cynical now. you really advocate for those designers. there's an enthusiasm to the show, a level of expertise. you must find these people somewhere. you must get human car crashes turning up. >> oh, we do. john: saying look at the dress i've made. you don't show that because it's a celebration of genuine talent. >> thank you very much. i'm very, very proud of the show and also for what it's done for american fashion >> john: and you got nominated for an emmy. >> yes, thank you. john: you're now officially cohost.
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>> i am indeed. i have to say how generous is it of her to share that spotlight with me. >> john: be careful of that because she's german. they say they're going to share. they were supposed to share czechoslovakia. it didn't work out that way. >> the tone has changed. john: i have one pitch for project runway. how about a challenge on an actual runway with planes taking off and landing as they comment. you could see the material move. that's often important. that's what i've learned. you want to see the fabric move. >> you know, we almost did that with our first challenge of the season. we went to an airport and had parachuters. we were close. >> john: i love the show. thank you so much john: you're fantastic in it. tim gunn, ladies and gentlemen. the magnificent tim gunn. euu)r hsq@q@,x-x
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>> john: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> 50 shades of gray, according to london fire brigade they've had 1,00 calls since this book was published with household emergencies such as getting stuck with a pair of handcuffs and not being able to find key and even worse getting your captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ newscaster: we now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash. jim? the news is not good. i've just learned that my final words were "back to you, linda." (laughs) one for the blooper reel. oh, the news is so violent. let's watch rachael ray instead. oh, no, wait, there might be chopping. god, what a wuss. stop being such a spineless jellyfish. you know full well i am more closely related to the sea cucumber. not where it counts. (whimpers)
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i hated jim! in other news, our city's filthy, urine-soaked walls have been desecrated by a mysterious tile-work graffiti artist. police have no leads as to who's behind this innovative scourge of public art. (chuckling) that is one sexy bridge abutment. hyperchicken: free corn? well, that'll suit me just fine. (hyperchicken screams, car crashes)
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the key is knowing precisely where to strike. oops. well, well. time to beat him his rights. (yelling) (crickets chirping) (clock beeps) booming voice: the time is 4:00 a.m.! we've been arguing all night, kif. can't we go to bed? is that all you ever think about? i'm not just some piece of tofu, amy. i need to know where we stand in our relationship. we're just going through a rough patch. it is not a patch. it's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate hunk-of-the- month calendar. leave todd out of this. thanks, babe. also, today is canadian independence day. (plays wolf-whistle) (groans) (repeated burping sound) oop, that's bender's ringtone. i recognize the smell. hello? yo, amy, i'm in the slammer.